Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Pati, Patni aur Woh

Autumn had shed its leaves and spring was sprouting new ones. The old tree looked like it had been there forever and will stand forever. With a branch stretched to the other side of the river, like a marooned islander asking for love, it stood its ground on the bank of the river. The river itself was curvaceous like a beautiful maiden and hid its upper parts in a bend so sharp one would not be able to see beyond twenty farlangs.
I was on my way to the city on a raft. Enjoying the serenity and the slow gurgle of the flowing water. As I came across the bend from the upside, my eyes fell and were rivetted to the beauty bathing in the river. Probably there were others surrounding her but taking my eyes off from her to notice them was not possible and I didn't even try. She was more bubbly than the effervescent river, looked more serene than the full moon night and sparkled like a sky full of stars. My love rose along with me and while I was this standing on my raft looking at her, the overhanging branch hit me and swooped me off my feet into the water.
I dont remember what happened next, but when I woke up I found my beauty looking down at me with concern. Seeing me opening my eyes she felt relieved and asked me how I felt. That is when I realized I was lying on a bed inside of what looked like a palace.

Telecom: India Vs China

Setting: The office of a public sector undertaking.

My colleague had this interesting quip on the telecom sector boom in India: “Why is there a boom? That’s because Indians talk so much. We just love talking, and that’s all we do all day anyway. We are toppers till it comes to any real work. So while we will overtake China in tele-density, try manufacturing a mobile handset in India?!”

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Aishwarya: Deconstructing the Myth

Suddenly Aishwarya is fairly conspicuous, in several international platforms. Eg. Cannes, Letterman show, Oprah’s show. The question that arises here is, has all this international appearances helped her by any means? I would think otherwise. I feel her tackiness in these appearances have only exposed her nervous foreboding side and rendered her more vulnerable.

In Cannes she made a mockery of beauty, with her gaudy and uncouth sense of dressing and make-up. And with a chipkoo Vivek oberoi all around her, it was a comedy show. Lot has been discussed about her face-to-face with Letterman. Here is my version. Laconic and impervious. She was clumsy, gauche and sounded absolutely nervous. Her giggling only made more conspicuous the nervous shudderings in her heart. I would say she messed up the whole interview. She blabbered, she chuckled, she flirted. But she hardly made any point. You can check the video @ http://www.badmash.org/videos/letterman.wmv .

That is because she thinks herself to be much bigger than she actually is. Deep down her heart, she knows she is not what she feigns to be. This amplifies her insecurity, pushing her farther into the cozy warmth of a dark cocoon, where she can hide and pretend that the world doesn’t know. So when it comes to big shows, like cannes or letterman, she falters because of the fear that the real aishwarya might be unfolded, in front of the public. This trepidation accentuates her nervousness and makes her stammer. In her Indian interviews, her pretentious intellectualism is as conspicuous as her nervous stutterings outside. Her arrogant rattlings entirely reveal her bloated sense of identity. It is just that she assumes the Indian junta to be too idiot or too star-struck to notice indeed.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Clean shaven, well gelled rockers!!

In my school days I used to think, rock stars gotta have a flattened abdomen, power biceps, a goatie and of course disheveled hair. Ozzy made me realize, you need not have a flattened tummy. Freddie Mercury epitomized the emaciated look, until Marylin Manson came and showed that even if you don’t have AIDS, you can still be skinny and a hard rock god. (I hate Manson for his personal gimmicks and overt use of sex in shows, but that’s a separate issue.)

The clean shaven Stapp and Tremonti duo showed that a goatee is eminently disposable in the matter of passionate rock. But hair, that still had to be disheveled. Until, I discovered Nine Inch Nails(yeah I know, I am sickeningly late). The gelled shinny hair of Trent, may be an aberration in the world of rock, but his music got me mesmerized in the first hearing itself. Check out The Hand that Feeds from album "With Teeth" @ http://www.nin.com/visuals/thtf_hi.html

I instantly appreciated his gift for tortured writing that is so intense and real. He has a vision and a message in each song. The words are so real they get you inundated in that vision and in that immersed state of hypnosis each word penned reverberates in unison with your shuddering thus unfolding the profundity of his compelling emotions. Some of them are violently metaphysical. The rebellious phrases woven into a gripping tapestry may create a hallucination of a vengeful soul, but down bellow I guess it is the awekening of noble message from the suurrounding hazy mist of torment. I wont say they are more inspiring than those of creed. But they are compelling. Got to to hear more of it in days to come. Here is a part of his lyrics for you:
Got no religion, don't need no friends
Got all I want and I got no need to pretend
Don't try to reach me, 'cause I'd tear up your mind
I've seen the future and I leave it all behind

Friday, May 06, 2005

The corporate farewell:

Friday, the fourth of February, was Mr. Sharma’s last day at office. Accordingly, his deputy and close confidante Amit Jain floated a mail, explaining that a “small” get-together had been planned at four p.m. in the conference hall to bid farewell to the outgoing stalwart.

So come four o’ clock, when the effects of an early lunch were fast wearing out, Shravan and me, with the expectation that decent refreshments should necessarily be the part of such an occasion, trudged nonchalantly up to the second floor to check on the proceedings.

We were two of the early birds in the hall. As has been widely accepted, you can judge the importance of a person by merely noting the time of his arrival for a meeting. Where a common fallacy arises, though, is in merely assuming that the later someone arrives is in direct proportion to his importance. As has been chronicled by none other than C. N. Parkinson himself, the most happening time to be in a party is to be fashionably late, but not outrageously late. Allow me to explain this further, in the context of corporate meetings, with the help of an elementary mathematical equation. The basic premises of the theory that we are hoping to capture in the form of this equation are simple, and can be stated thus:
1) A meeting cannot be started without the presence of the chairman, ( the most important person in this case); and
2) Anyone who arrives after the arrival of the chairman is generally viewed as frivolously wasting the collective time of the congregated intelligentsia.

These facts can briefly and succinctly put thus: If a meeting is convened at H hours, the Most Important Person (henceforth known as MIP) involved (By this we mean the highest designated individual. He might not have any bearing on the outcome of the meeting, or even any knowledge of what the meeting is for, but that’s immaterial) should arrive at a time t given by the Sczammony-Schultz equation:

t = H + [{log10(n)}*abs{({sin((x*2.372)/d)}*y)3}]………………………………..(1)


where,
x = time of the day in the 24 hour format,
y = latitude of the location of the meeting, in degrees,
d = day of the year, as counted from the 1st of June, and
n = index value on the Peabody scale, a value ranging from zero to ten, according to the type of the meeting and the dominant base cultural Leakey - subgroup of the dominant 70% of the population present in the meeting.

Notice that the term following H allows for zero, or even negative values, implying that under certain abnormal conditions of temperature and pressure (as derived from a combination of ‘y’ and ‘d’), the MIP of such a meeting might arrive before the scheduled start time. But as we are dealing with the more dominant 93% of situations and not a more general case which allows for Horfizondian variations, we shall limit ourselves in this case and allow other researchers to explore this stream of social physics in greater detail.

Once having grasped this basic theorem, it is but an easy and logical step to move on to the Schultz extension, which states that the importance I of a person can be calculated as a percentage from the Simon-Milliper’s equation:


I = C – mT2 , T < i =" Ae-T">0 ………………………………………………………………..(2)
valid for small and non-small values of T.

Where,
T = time in seconds as measured from t, t.o.a. of the MIP,
C, m and A are the universal Borzievsky constants.


What can be inferred from the above equation is that, till the arrival of the MIP, the importance of a person might be fairly judged by the closer he appears to the time t. Any industrious person, wishing to be counted among the essential cogs of an organization, can use this equation judiciously to effect his timings in these meetings, and consequently, improve his perceived importance and standing in the party.

But of course, if one does not wish in any way to enhance one’s standing, but wishes to take a longish break from the workstation, one should arrive early at the designated meeting hall, and preferably take up a corner position where the to-be-coming speeches wouldn’t bother him much. Accordingly, we securely ensconced ourselves in the comfortable chairs nearest to the corner where the refreshments are normally stacked. This strategy has the added advantage that in case someone really important comes up really late into the proceedings when all the chairs have been taken, you don’t have to politely abdicate your far-corner seats for their convenience.

Now for a farewell meeting in New Delhi at this time of the year, by an application of equation (1) above, one might easily come to guess that the arrival of the MIP, the GM (Fin), occurred at around 4:28 p.m. By this time, a goodish crowd had already gathered in the meeting hall. It was difficult to imagine that Mr. Sharma had been a popular cult figure in his time, so it could be reasonably assumed that Friday evening in office was not a time when work was the most important thing playing on the minds of the people; and a desire to be seen among the people who mattered probably overrode the desire of making an early break for home.

The meeting commenced soon after, with the compere for the occasion letting us all know what we had gathered in the great hall for, and dwelling for a moment on the significance of the event, called upon the MIP to speak a few words for our benefit.

The MIP was fluent in his emotional farewell, having had the experience of giving this performance a number of times. One by one he recounted incidents - how he (The MIP) had for long known Sharma Ji as a person of the stoutest heart, always there for other’s troubles; how he (Mr. Sharma) had excelled in putting in the longest hours at office, how we would be orphaned without his (Mr. Sharma’s) support ..….
And at each mention of his name, the overwhelmed Mr. Sharma had to take a bow. Eager students of the medical profession might do well to explore the link between the remarkable incidences of rheumatism among recent retirees and the severity of the farewell functions that they are subjected to.

When the MIP was done, there was the standard round of polite applause, followed by a pause before the compere invited others to speak - according to rank and standing, of course. “Exceptional”, “matchless”, “without equal”, “inimitable”, “unparalleled” – the praise flew thick and fast. Roget would certainly have had an easier job compiling his thesaurus, had corporate meetings been invented in his time. Now, if you really listened to all of them you would start wondering how it was possible that Mr. Sharma was being let go in the first place...
It was after “extremely rare” and “unique”, when we had just reached “irreplaceable” in the course of proceedings, that the compere called out for a contribution from the next person. It turned out that this gentleman was the person transferred in, and scheduled to take over from Mr. Sharma.

A silence reigned again. Presently Mr. Sharma was called on to speak his bit.

Till now, the question of the number of delegates in the meeting was an asset, a show of strength, a sign of a supportive organization. Soon, however, it became apparent that this had its associated disadvantages as well. The person in charge of the refreshments had quite underestimated the size of the gathering, to say the least. While first there wasn’t enough food on hand, when that had been got, it was discovered that there weren’t an adequate number of “boys” to serve it around. What with the speeches running out and refreshments yet to come on the table, it took quite a bit of inner strength to keep a dignified face, when all the while we were itching to go help ourselves to the snacks. Just goes on to show the tough core that we MBAs are made of. Well, our strategic placing did help; and we were among the first to lay our hands on the stuff.

When the last morsels on our plates had been given their due attention, we looked up to see that in the ensuing interval, almost half the remaining people had also been served. Meanwhile, Mr. Sharma had presumably thanked everyone around who had given him so much support, and was concluding by saying that “….it was a period in my life that I shall never be able to forget”. We were supposed to clap. We did.

After this last heroic effort, there ensued another of those awkward silences. Tradition holds that a meeting should end with the vote of thanks. Any elementary book of etiquette says so. However, I daresay that no previous author of books on the topic of etiquette in corporate meetings has taken into account this situation, wherein a full half of the quorum is thinking (and quite rightfully, I should add) that having gone through a round of speeches, they well deserved an opportunity to go through a round of sweets, as well. Guidance in the matters of accepted behavior in this turn of events found lacking, there was nothing to it but to resort to another round of shorter speeches; and this time with the distinct addition of a heavy dose of corporate laughter (the reader is invited to read We go live to know what that means!) Well, we had our fill of sweets already, and having no interest to spoil the digestion by subjecting ourselves to another extended round of torture, we excused ourselves; leaving the congregation to debate about the relative advantages and disadvantages of the “Mission Khoj” - the new corporate HR initiative …..but that’s totally another story altogether .

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Close encounters of the third kind!!

We had to bid adieu to the vast expanse of polished concrete on the Mumbai-Pune express-way and take the turn to enter Khandala. The aroma of the moist earth, drizzle dripping from the concrete express-way above and the sudden chill in the wind with its tranquil fragrance blended in consortium to engender a heady concoction, of languor and apathy. We were no more in a mood to bike any further and felt its best to rest the limbs.

But before we could lay down, of foremost importance was the fact that we scout for a roof over our head. As empowered customers, we visited several hotels, and finally settled in The White House. The receptionist promised us all our little indulgences that Panda has mentioned earlier.

But sleep, we did not ;)

Monday, May 02, 2005

Nightlife and Hotels

At this point I must admire the heroism TKD showed in standing in front of a huge truck for me. At the beautiful spot TKD just described it would have been blashphemy not to take a photograph. But it was already 7:00 and dark, and even with all my brilliance TKD was not able to find me in the lens, and then he took the brave decision of standing in front of the lorry and take my snap in its light. You should have been there to see the hair-raising bloodcurdling sight. Thankfully the lorry turned at just the last minute to leave my friend living.
So from here our journey went on to the next level. The night had just started and we were on the road. The cool air felt like angels flapping there wings welcoming us into heaven. Oh and around this time we reached this tunnel and while I was driving through it I coulndn't help but remember the NFS days. Boy, the tunnel was so much like a NFS tunnel letting us zipppp through it, I would have lost all control of speed had TKD not interrupted my dreamy invasion.
We reached Lonavala and I was transported back 4 years into the beautiful valleys of Himachal Pradesh. I suddenly remembered that evening of 9/9/99 when I was roaming around on this similar road at Hamirpur scouting for a girl to make a proposal to. Yes! I did it. Ofcourse the girl was totally scared and so was I bcoz she had teeth coming out of her uper lips. Thankfully she didn't bite me or anything and that day has been etched in the memories of me and my friends forever, just like this day in Lonavala.
Once in Lonavala, the next thing to do was to find a decent hotel. The requirements were simple

1. The room should be decent
2. Should have a TV
3. Daru and all should be allowed.
Finding a hotel matching our requirements was quite an excercise with one life-endangering experience. But one experience that shattered our hearts was where an uncle aunty couple welcomed us with open arms with so much love. Oh! My heart wails for them. I will let TKD do the talking now.